I remember when I first discovered cuckoldry. It was before I knew I was kinky, and unless you have been confronted with the kink, it seems contradictory and confusing.
I was out on a date with a guy and we were really hitting it off, even some PDA.
When I told him I was going to go to the ladies room at the bar we were in, he whispered in my ear “Why don’t you flirt with the dudes who are standing in line at the bathroom?”
Surprised at his question, I figured he was joking. Later, when I came back he wanted to know if I gave anyone my number.
Now that I understand the fetish better, I realize in hindsight that, instead of “forsaking me” as if he did not care about me, he was trying to bond with me sexually by watching me be admired by other men. I have since dipped my toe into cuckoldry with other partners, and have enjoyed both watching and being watched.
Ahhh… getting “cucked.” A favorite derogatory term for some; a sexy, fun, and perhaps even loving label for others.
If used derogatorily, a “cuck” (or to be “cucked”) means someone who is being cheated on and feels humiliation, pain, and jealousy – and is perceived to have been made to feel inadequate.
If used positively, especially in the kink or fetish scene, to be cucked can mean many things, most of them sexually exciting.
In any case, cuckoldry is a major fetish. More on that later.
First, let’s talk about "cuckoldry” definitions, shall we? (Or "cuckholdry" as some people misspell it when googling “what is cuckholding”).
Cuckoldry (or “cuckholdry” lol) is a fetish garnering a lot of interest the last few years – so much so that I'm usually shocked when I learn someone has never heard the term. (It's even in the name of a recent political movie, Cuck.)
For the purposes of this cuckold blog, “cuckoldry” is simply the practice of being cuckolded or cuckolding someone, which in turn revolves around the definition of a “cuckold.”
"Cuckold" As defined by Wikipedia:
A cuckold is “the husband of an adulterous wife.” ...The term cuckold derives from the cuckoo bird, alluding to its habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests.”
But Wikipedia’s definition is more historical, not fetish-based.
Urban dictionary answers “what is cuckolding?” in kink terms:
A man who willingly encourages his wife to sleep with other people because it brings him pleasure.
Cuckolds exist on a spectrum between two extremes. On one end is the masochistic cuckold who enjoys humiliations, degradation, and other demeaning activities at the hands of his wife and her lover. The alpha cuckold lies at the opposite end of the spectrum and does not enjoy any form of humiliation and often has a direct say in who his wife sleeps with and when.
Now, in my experience, I take issue with this definition in two respects:
Although alpha cuckolds could be seen as a sub-set of cuckolds, I personally consider someone who is into cuckolding but does not enjoy humiliation from his/her/their spouse or partner more in the “hotwife” (“hotwifing”) category.
But, this is splitting hairs, and for the purposes of this cuckold blog, I will be using hetero-normative language (so please pardon me on that as this tends to be a specific fetish) and I will keep the alpha cuck inside cuckoldry.
Apparently, a huge search term in porn relates to cuckoldry. Thus, if you are into porn, you may have noticed a lot of videos relating to cuckholdry even if you didn’t know it.
For example, you could have done a search for something related to watching group sex and bumped into some scenarios that brought cuckoldry to your attention.
Being cucked has also been portrayed in mainstream film and TV.
For instance, on The Girlfriend Experience (Showtime), there is a scene where a sex worker enacts an elaborate scene with her client in which she hires another male escort to cuckold the client. The client is made to watch his “girlfriend” have sex with the male escort. She professes her love for the male escort in front of her client.
The client got the sexual excitement and release he seeks – it's clear his jealousy is part of the turn on. He got cucked.
Cuckoldry as a fetish generally falls into three categories of what attracts people (ie, what benefit/sexual pleasure they get from it):
To expand in other words, the draw of cucking someone could be:
So, if any of those three areas are of interest to you, you might be interested in different forms of cuckoldry.
If you have a partner and know you have an interest in either being cuckolded or in cuckolding someone else (ie, your partner), then you can have an honest conversation with your partner about it.
The best way to do so is to explain what attracts you about cuckoldry. You might talk about a scenario and describe either the voyer, exhibitionist, or power exchange/BDSM aspects you are attracted to, if any.
Ask your partner if they are curious or interested in any aspect of the cuck scenario.
Consent is the cornerstone of every kink and fetish (indeed any healthy sex), so you want to make sure that any participation in cuckoldry is consensual and built on full disclosure (fully informed consent). I cover these issues in my class on cuckoldry.
When you discuss what you like about cuckholdry, also consider whether the following often-cited reasons for the kink turn you on:
Contrary to some beliefs out there, cuckoldry is not cheating – all activities are consensual and for the benefit of each person involved – the cuckoldress, the cuck, and the “bull.”
A “bull” is sometimes used to refer to the person (typically male) who comes in to help the wife (the cuckoldress) cuckold the husband (the cuck).
If you are a bull, you can find plenty of couples who want your help with this fantasy. I find that usually being a bull amongst the swinger crowd (ie, swinger parties) is what gets your “foot in the door” so to speak. If you are good at it, pretty soon you will get referrals to other couples.
(Just remember to play safely. Here is a same-day scheduling STD testing resource.)
If you are worried about real-life jealousy that could harm your relationship, you might want to simply start off with discussing the fetish and perhaps telling stories.
The next level up would be to maybe watch cuckolding porn together or have sex with your partner after telling a story about sex with other partners.
If those activities make you feel more confident, then you can consider moving to finding a bull.
Just remember that there is a risk in every sexual encounter and especially when long-term committed relationships are at stake. Those relationships tend to have expectations.
People who are polyamorous might be more adept at navigating jealousy, but monogamous couples could potentially struggle more if jealousy becomes an issue – not just a turn on.
Finally, just because you consented to your partner’s cuckoldry does NOT mean you have to “stick to the plan” and follow through.
I have seen spouses have reservations about the experience but not want to share them with their partners because they didn't want to ruin their pleasure.
But that is a recipe for disaster.
You must keep checking in with your own inner compass – your own feelings.
If at any time, the cuckoldry becomes too problematic for you, just stop and inform your partner.
Another good idea is to incorporate some aftercare, especially if you used humiliation in the fetish – ie, humiliated your partner via the sex you had with another person. “Aftercare is the process of soothing, nurturing, and loving your partner after an intimate session.”
Part of aftercare in cuckoldry would be verbal affirmations that restore your partner’s faith in your real-life bond and demonstrate that this cuckold scenario was solely for the bedroom.
If you want to learn more about cuckoldry, check out my class all about it!
And there you have it! Cuckoldry can provide some steamy sex in your love life, bond you to your partner, and give you the giggles at work just thinking about it!
