Saying No: BDSM Boundary Setting

Emily Anne
January 8, 2020

Why true subs hate Anastasia Steele

First, don’t be offended by the strong language.  “Hate” means more or less “annoyed” at the idea of Anastasia Steele.

Why does she annoy us?

Because she gives true subs (“submissives”) or “alpha subs” (strong alpha women in life, submissives in the bedroom) a bad name.

Why? Because she can never make up her friggin’ mind.

BDSM play is all about boundaries.  If you don’t know how to, or aren’t willing to set boundaries, it is a recipe for disaster.

There is a scene in the movie where Ana seemingly takes control by negotiating across a long board room table, going over in minute detail her “contract” with Christian, marking out things that are a “no” for her.  He seems genuinely amused by the whole thing.

Coy, flirty banter is fun, but if it gets in the way of setting secure boundaries, it can be a liability. BDSM play should be negotiated at arms length in a matter of fact way and the assertion of boundaries by a sub is not “cute,” sexy, or used as a bargaining chip.  There is no quid pro quo in a healthy relationship, nor in a BDSM relationship.  If a sub doesn’t want to even try anal, the Dom ain’t gonna even go there. If for example, nipple clamps are a hard no, the Dom will not press the issue in play. It is off the table. A dominant can push boundaries, but not cross them.

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