09. Consent

These rules can be as difficult to follow in the bedroom as they are in life, but the rules are valuable all the same. They are rules I strive to follow as I navigate my sex life as a switch.
 Emily Anne
Updated: May 18, 2020

Consent

Okay and this video I'm going to go over the idea of consent now can send in the context of King Kirby DSM is very important is actually at the Cornerstone of a healthy and safe BSM play don't have trust sub Dynamic and a top bottom seen without fully informed consent to what it is that you're doing in the scene and in any aspect of the relationship in BDSM requires can send even consent to how people are addressing you were talking to you so the caveat here is people talk about consent as it is if it's the end-all-be-all insects player BDSM play and that's not the goal the consent is the bare minimum it's the bottom line what we're going after here is we want our wants and desires and our pleasure that's the real goal consensus just the bare bones bottom line boundary setting what is consent of the dictionary definition is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something so for example I could give my consent to someone to run a credit check on me and give them my social security number to prove it and that would become send in the context of BSM though again we're making it a more active term active in the sense that it's an ongoing process and consents is requested and received and communicated idea of partial vs. full consent has to do with sometimes you might give consent but have reservations and you're not fully consenting to the activity you you might want to question that and if it's a partial consent is not really, so you have to give consent to do something let's say like impact play and if you don't know if you like it or not cuz you haven't done it you can express your interest and give boundaries around that and then as you go along and as you have more interest or you find more pleasure you can if you can expand that can send to you know how your impact player other thing so content is really contextual so it depends on what's going on I like to remind people that even a non-sexual areas if you have like a Doms of dynamic that extends beyond the bedroom you do if if your consent is being overrun in non-sexual areas that can bleed into your sexual areas of consent and vice-versa so you really want to pay attention to how your partner's caught talking to you even outside of the bedroom how they're treating you and if you're so you know we get into the relationships and power dynamics your consent is still required regardless of the power Dynamic and if it anytime you feel your boundaries are bringing cross you you need to communicate your withdrawal of consent what full consent is not is a yes to someone course you know using version pressure persuasion bullying and manipulation it's one thing to have a dominant or a top thing I think you really like this and you saying okay I'm not sure if I do but I'm willing to try and it's another thing to constantly berate and pressure someone to do something and then just like giving in and saying yes that's not fully that's a full concept informed consent this is really important so you have to know what you're consenting too You have to know someone could say something to you like you know I really want to whip you slightly on the yellow means in our approaching caution here meaning you know it's starting to become uncomfortable but it's not a. Some people like to use safe words that are silly or like pineapples a big one I personally because it's syllable I don't and it's also kind of pulls me out of the scene I don't like that one and the other thing to remember is like you be in a position where your ability to communicate consent is hampered such as having a ball gag or you know your your ability to talk might be muffled with a hand over your mouth or tape or something like that and so you need to be able to before play happens instead save signal so one of the states that goes IHOP is the tapping technique I'll tell my partner hey if I catch up to you at any point like really quickly that's my signal. It's essentially the same thing so communication is really important your partner needs to create a safe space to be honest for you to be honest about where your consent is begins and ends and as a submissive or a bottom you have to be brave enough to be honest you have to if you think that you're going to disappoint your partner you have to get over it and you just have to say what your personal boundaries are and self consent which means you might not know what you might consent to and you need to know you need to ask yourself if I have enough opportunity to develop and if the answer is no then you need to proceed with caution and communicate that to your partner I'm content of continuous an ongoing otherwise it's not consent a consent can be withdrawn at any time no matter what so it doesn't matter if there were any kind of agreements negotiated at a time consent can always be withdrawn at any time I think it's important to consider a person's capacity so dominant and tops need to really pay attention to their subs and bottoms and see you know do they have the capacity based on their age cultural awareness meaning of any of those things gender do they are they really fully present in their consent are they taking in the information are they really giving up. Yes to what's happening you need to remember that there are biases and power and inequities that might impact a person's ability to consent and take those into consideration have a conversation before you play about those things in about a person's background so the dominant and tops responsibility is to really pay attention and ask those questions and the submissive bottoms responsibilities to check in and you know continuously and ongoing check in with themselves and have an awareness of like what their comfort level is and whether or not there's an inner knowing or in her gut reaction that saying no you need to listen to your gut okay so the final think I'm going to go over as non-consent so sometimes you know mistakes happen dominant or top might misread consent and and you do you end up with thing happening in the scene that was non-conventional that you know doesn't work for the other partner or harm the other partner or or they didn't think they can send it to you so I think the first part is identifying the non-consent and trying to be objective and usually this needs to happen after Aftercare and went at least outside of the bedroom or when people have calmed down a little bit and dumb what what boundary was crossed and reiterate the boundary and go over it communicating the non-consent is really important so the person who felled the boundary cross it's important for them to communicate both what happened and how they felt about it and for the dominant or top to listen actually hearing and accepting your partners expression of their experience of the non-consent is really important it's hard I'll tell you because you know it can bring up shame and guilt that you you know did something wrong or did something that cross someone's boundaries and may have heard them or made them uncomfortable but it's important to really listen and here and accept the impact on your partner and then I'm going to feel the defensiveness but just take a breath and you know what's important to offer to repair ask your partner what can I do to help you you know deal with this is there any reassurance you need for me what what can I do better next time and just really learn from it at good way to do this is to journal out what you might be feeling as someone who crossed a boundary and you know of an apology I think is really important and letting your partner know that they've been hurt so these are the main principles behind consent I just wanted to go over you little blank pages here hopefully this gives you a better idea of what consent means in context of VietnamĀ 

This is for the truly kinky

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