06. How to Dominate Your Partner

How to dominate in a safe and healthy way
 Emily Anne
Updated: January 7, 2020

How to Dominate Your Partner

In this video we're going to cover how to Dom your partner this video we're going to get into just the basics of Dom sub Dynamic and particularly focusing on the dominant the Dom or the D in the DS going to cover how to be a good to him about the process and we'll briefly go over how to set up an excuse and just know that there are other modules that cover that in the video someone on first so some Basics going to cover is you know we want to start with the ethics and the rules of BDSM especially when you're were talking about the dominant who has the control in the seen or in the dynamic so safe sane and consensual is always something going on that are activities are safe saying and consensual meaning you know there is safe as possible within the constraints of consent they're not you know same just basically means that they're grounded and some reality and also some protection and consensual obviously means that it's consensual rack is another acrement acronym we use and you want to follow just apply those agreements to King play or btsm play and they are be impeccable with your word don't take anything personally don't make assumptions and always do your best those four rules on top of the main consent rules are really great and things to remember and we'll go over some of that in a bit play or a scene or session these are terms that were talking about when there is BDSM activity so I'll play could mean any kind of interaction between a Domino's sub scene can mean a beat us and seen or session which is essentially where all the action is taking place okay so what is a dominant essentially the easiest way for me to describe what a dominant is is there the leader okay typically like what's been portrayed in the media is a dominant someone's like super forceful and you know you know manipulative and control but really they're the person who decides what happens next they're the person in charge okay so it's it can be as simple as that if you can keep that in mind as we go through this we're basically saying is like a submissive is going to hand over control to you based on consent and some boundaries and you could be a Dom and a top at the same time you could also be a Dom and tell someone to talk to you just want to make sure we're clear about those terms okay so examples of dumb types or dumb role play like you can you cannot have a nickname or dominant name but here's some examples of there's just a few examples of a dumb name would be daddy sir or master Some people like to be called different things like God or Mr ways you can play with this okay so we're going to talk about aspects of dominant so I think people sometimes they oversimplify what a time is and sometimes they overcomplicate it but really when when you want to step into your dominance in a dumb sub relationship you want to be really focused on the submissive and we're going to talk about that in a minute about how you you really need to collect data and pay attention to what your sub is doing and what their needs are and what their boundaries are and a lot of that takes presents so you want to have the presence of dominance in that dynamic because when you do the sub directional again you decide what's going to happen next you make the decisions in the dynamic and also in the seen the video Sun seem so you direct the traffic you direct what's going on you're the one that starts things happening those things initiate something so and also I want to talk about protectionism you're protecting the sub especially for your daddy dominant there's a lot of protectionism in that you did the status exercise so you want to kind of energetically Razor status when you're doing you know a BDSM scene or when you're in the dumps of dynamic or to indicate the dump so Dynamic you want to sort of like energetically raise your status like treat yourself with respect treat your sub with respect but like raise your level of status in the relationship and they're really requires a lot of trust I'm you have to be able to trust the sub to set boundaries and the sub has to be able to trust you to keep those boundaries and I trust your judgment and you really want to be able to receive pleasure when you're dominant because most of the time a submissive is actually feeding off of the pleasure that they're giving to you so the things that you do and ask for really you should take pleasure in them because of several feel that and it's just again kind of rests on this sort of presents that you can have his dominant your physical posture you went to like stand up tall you want to make yourself as big as possible put your sub in a lower position like we usually see Subs put in a kneeling position or something on the floor or something lower than you and that can indicate he's mean decorate decoration Asian you use whatever you have to do you need to use your genitals it just depends on what you're into you also want to invade their space you want to you want to be bigger and you don't want to be shrinking back energetically as the dominant you want to be the forceful one in presents presence at least even if you're not doing the forceful impact player or man have longer needs those things like you should be clear in your voice so that it's the confidence that comes through your voice your dress you should take good care of yourself and like take pride in your appearance and have that sort of discipline are playing a lot of times and it was so great to be smiling and have fun and again every time is different but you want to think of like having a little bit more of a neutral of the serious face when your dominating I think it helps establish some more respect and then you want to dominate your time you don't want to be in a rush you want to be in control so you know you're somebody who's exhibiting a sense of control actually helps you control yourself okay so it's really important you do this is this video is not an in-depth how to Dawn videos just the basics on how to dumb but you know we're going to talk about dumping in relationship to a BDSM scene that I know you can't have a Dom sub lifestyle Dynamic which is like 24/7 but we're going to just end this a lot of these principles apply. But we're going to focus mostly on seeing work and how it relates to a scene so dynamic is a co-creation between you and your sub but your sub is your roadmap so read about how you put together scene but it starts with a negotiation and you will get desires you impose boundaries and then you go forward with the kind of BDSM play that you both agree on and you want to get a more in-depth on this is our module call negotiating a scene and then there's also how to create and execute a BDSM since we're not going to get super into that clothes are covered in the other modules but I just want to talk about the Dum Dums requirements in this contact so you really want to ask questions really if you don't know ask and really listen like listen to the actual word they're saying not just their mannerisms or their mood like you want to listen to you want to observe those two but you really want to listen like literally listen to the words that are coming out of them when they're you're asking the questions you're submissive your eroticism is tied your creativity you know you're pulling together this like BDSM scene and it really is can you put a cool thing that you're doing together with your submissive so and you want to establish trust with your submissive it's really important we have a kink test that you can go through and match up to your desires it's that there's a lot of different kinks in activities that you can ranked in order of importance and priority and then stab here how to find ideas for seeing so think about like a Radha Kapoor in the kind of horny watch like fetlife.com is a great place and your imagined it your imagination is greatest things like what do you fantasizing about you know what do you usually fantasize about like sometimes fantasies don't translate twisting but sometimes they can and you can try some different things out switching test will look like when you get in there and it allows you to rank different Kinks and then compare them side-by-side with your stuff and then you want to make sure that you know your subs are boundaries of their hard limits are soft limits like typically hard limit means. Absolutely not do not even go anywhere near their soft limits could be I haven't tried it I have no interest in it but I would be curious about it and here are some limits around it and I'm again I would highly recommend getting into the consciousness of course you want to make sure you get consent to everything you're going to do in the make sure that the activities that you're planning on doing that you've received consent from the sub about you can have a lot of surprise in the scene but you can surprise them at the time in the mixture activities when things are going to happen small things that they might not have thought about but never never use and don't throw an activity into a scene that no one's ever talked about or there's been no consent to you know they don't all of a sudden be like Oh I'm just going to start spanking a sub and then you never discuss spanking like that's that's not cool but you can surprise when things happen you could tease them make them wait for things there's tons of surprised you can do blindfolding as a great way to like make them wonder what's going on okay so this is the basic breakdown of the process of doing a scene you're going to start with a king test so it could be any you know online test we've got one on the website we also have the king test interactive one and you start with that activities that you know you want to do you might add some stuff around it like flying folding and like think about what position they want to be in like where are you going to have them stand or sit or kneel and then create a mind movie of how the scene could go how to prep the space you want to prep yourself and you want to pop your submissive so that could include you know getting the space ready with like a massage table or the beds were training to prepare yourself like what you're going to wear what commands you you're planning on doing in the sub-unit want to make sure the sub knows ahead of time what they should be wearing how much time they should be expecting to be gone all of those things and you know that part of prepping the sub is like getting them into the start of the submissive headset mine said prior to the scene and then there's a beginning middle and end of the scene you want to nail the beginning like you really want to pin down the first part of it and I go over this more in the how to set up an execute scene but you if you if anything you just need the first five minutes like get those things down in the rest you can kind of riff on the middle is like you should keep it relatively short that's the time to improv and like absolutely do check-ins the whole time and then the end there should be a clear end the scene like okay so we talked about The Sweet Spot this is like where you want to be like in your dumb sometimes downright okay so first you want to think about why you want to talk like this is something is coming out of you or you curious about it like it really clear about like what it is that you find interesting hot you know what what are your kinks like what do you love about it and then when you're finding a submissive that they match up to the things that you're really looking for and you there's you really have to vet a potential sub so you want to ask a lot of questions find out what experienced a pad before do you like do you like brats like you had any experience with them do you like it do not like it you require it what are the things that you're like hard limits what are the things you really want in a dynamic and then you want to think about what are your responsibilities you have a responsibility to yourself to be authentic and your sex life and you also have a responsibility to the submissive you want to protect them from your actions you want to buy them with respect boundaries communication trust and you want to keep those those ethical considerations in mind that we talked about at the beginning of the module okay and then there's a lot of traps I'm not going to get into all of these all at once but you should know the you know there's a sense of people think oh there's there's no mystery if if we talked about everything we're going to do in the same but that's not true like you could talk about all sorts of things prior to a scene and the scene will never go exactly how anybody thinks they're going to go there's always listen to Power versus control I mean the sub it's the one with all the power they're just giving up control to you because they trust you it's called negotiation but it's not an adversarial relationship negotiation just means that you're really getting the boundaries down and then you want to watch out for passive aggressive behavior I'm in yourself and in your sub you know that's it has no place in BDSM it just creates a lot of problems btsm is based on a lot of communication I'm complaining you as a dominant you never want to complain that that erodes your sense of entitlement that you're this will be followed so don't complain like you can correct but don't complain and then you want to again that sense of confidence comes from really knowing yourself on your sub codependence watch out for codependent behavior that kind of listen to passive aggressive leadership is a lot of responsibility so the more you want to leave the more responsibility you're going to have to take on you want to watch out for a sub who says they have no limits or safe words you have to operate with some sort of safe word and safe signal you just you need to have that boundary so that you know what your limits are topping from the bottom it's sometimes it's annoying in Hartford on to deal with that but figure out what your rules are around that and that set those rules and boundaries with your submissive and then correct them bratz is another thing and it's okay if you don't like to talk to Dom Bratz you can make that clear and and if they have to be bratty like you can either decide to play with them or find some boundaries around like how much brattiness you will take and what kind of punishment Bill still need to have agreed to attack with the greedy needy submissive which is like trying to call it the alpha submitting their Alpha in life and when they get in the bedroom and they get submissive like there's a lot of things they want and so they spend it start to talk from the bottom and it's okay like I think that's just a sub that if you enjoy playing with them you just really have to set boundaries they could you have to keep those boundaries and again that's ties into setting your own boundaries of falling in love with your submissive if you come together for just a play scenario and then there's feelings you really really really need to have a conversation around that it's really important to know all the layers of a relationship so everyone's on the same page I'm attachment issues watch out for you do people have different attachment Styles if your avoidant you might line up with someone who has an anxious attachment style and you have to protect them from you know the emotional harm in that relationship if you're noticing some patterns there again protecting us up from your worst impulses legend of Zelda DS relationship even if it was just a play scenario like you need to have some compassion in that and make sure that you still communicate and make it clear that that the dynamic is ending and do it with as much gentleness and compassion because it can be a really traumatic thing for someone to lose a Dom ignoring our relation or dynamic that just kind of goes back into like you could be friends and business partners and lovers and married and all of the things and it dies and that just adds more complexity so you have to really really communicate around how your downside Dynamic bleeds into your other relationships okay there's some toys implements you might might want to think about having if you haven't gone out and bought some main bed for strength you can get some even on Amazon that you can get under the bed restraints that's like a common one thing about music playlist that you might want to use how to build around the house you can grab a poster tube a flyswatter kitchen utensils like use a nipple clamps for the you know from a clothesline clothespins you know do the tire scarf use a feather something that's like has Essential Touch to it a massage tables a great thing for a dog to use it because it's easy to get around and also tie people up two mirrors are great to use in scenes and also chairs you can tie people to a chair okay just going over what the sub needs vacation meaning someone who's like going to actually hand over their submission to you like they're going to edify you they're going to respect you when you call and response that's what I like to call like if you reach out to be a text you need a response like when you initiate something you need a response and that kind of goes to the next the other point of consistent communication is important you might need some Aftercare after scenes think about what you might need and assert that so that they're clear and then you know there might be just other things that you might want and need that you might be feel weird about but like worship plate do you need somebody worship do you need them to say nice things to you and verbal affirmations then tell them and you can actually use it as a command to like you know tell Sarah how much you love him or you know whatever oh so we have a baldi's Basics I want you to take a look at that my going to get in those and then we also have an impact play module so these are all things that you want to use and potentially use in your dumb so Dynamic and in your play make sure you check out those modules if you want to learn more you want to really get the basics down part of being a good dominant is like being educated and BDSM and all the aspects of it so I highly recommend that you make sure that you go through all the other BDSM 101 model really important for you to learn everything that we teaching here and even if your experience like actually going through in like learning the basics that you may not have learned and you know our take on them pretty in. So that's good and then we also have a free conscience consent course which is on the website which I highly recommend you take in addition to be to someone on and that on how to do my partnerĀ 

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