10. How to Negotiate a Scene

Anastasia meets Christian. Christian at some point feels comfortable enough to confide in Ana that he is into BDSM play.
 Emily Anne
Updated: January 7, 2020

How to Negotiate a Scene

In this video I'm going to go over how to negotiate a BDSM scene now I'm General we're just going to focus on seeing negotiation not necessarily a relationship negotiation but first you got to define the relationship so depends on where you met this person how you met this person or what the intentions are a beach party you could be just play partners that you met online friends with benefits this is just for maybe a one-off placing kind of like a hook up this could be a romantic relationship or this could be an established DS relationship or meaning dom.sub relationship or someone or relationship where you both have decided hey this might be a long-term dom.sub dynamic negotiation Style one way to negotiate is an opt-in and one way is an opt-out negotiation so for example with opt-in you want to include you're basically going to line out everything that is agreed to for play and then everything else is a no-go it's excluded for the opt-out anything is fair game you start off with that idea like everything's for a game except for specific hard limits or activities that you described as off limits having never mind let's go to seeing basic so when you're talking to someone about entering a scene or doing a scene you kind of want to get the who what when where so just a blush like where is the same going to take place is that someone's house is this at a play party is it in public is it's going to be a hotel room you know this is something you wanted to go straight and figure out what the parties are comfortable if you want to figure out when the team will take place and make sure it you have enough time to prep how long the scene will last who is in the scene so it could be limited to you and another partner or you know others if you're going to have other still allowed to join in and figure out what role each person's going to play and usually kind of have a sense of that if you're an adult relationship but you might want to who's doing what here we're going to get into some steam specific so a lot of people say oh I want mystery in like why why we talked about everything ahead of time you really need to know what's going to happen in the scene in general not every blow-by-blow play-by-play but you should get a sense of what's going to happen in the progression of the scene so talk about the type of scene you'll be doing you want to talk about whether bondage will be included impact play sensation play any of those things you a good question to ask is what activities do you enjoy the most it's a good chance for you to take that sexual exploitation click questionnaire and go through it and figure out what are usually I like to say what are your top three kings who are the top three activities you like to do and see if you're both on the same page on that it's in the scene really want to figure out like what do you really have to have in a scene for it to be successful for you or something that's really pulling you that goes to the next question which is what are you hoping to get out of the same marks as so this is a this kind of goes actually to our limits but you want to negotiate like whether or not you can inflict marks or take marks and where where on the body they're allowed and the next question will you be engaging and humiliation or degradation play I can be verbal humiliation or humiliating acts like you know Waterworks meaning of someone urinating on you or someone or something like that you want to discuss hard limits this is really important this is the outer edge of what is allowed you want to make sure that you think of all the the hard limits that you have an Express them what a place that'll do you engage in certain things you can ask and you can both talk about what's desired in the scene but some people like I have listed here High protocol some people are more formal in their seems they like more formality more kind of scripted meaning like more planned out scenes and some people like it to be a little more flow and not as serious so you might want to consider discussing those options okay so you really want to negotiate what sexual activity will be involved in the sink is a scene isn't you can have a BDSM play that's non sexual in nature he could be just related to impact play topping and bottoming that way so you really want to talk about specifics is there Dirty Talk involved will you allow kissing any kind of genital touching manual stimulation oral sex or penetration and you want to talk about whether it's vaginal or anal this is a good area for you to take a look at kinkless the sexual exploitation question are we have on the website as one that's great to go through it's kind of like a yes no maybe list so you can talk about what's yes what to know and what you're curious about and areas that you might be willing to explore but aren't sure about you really want to get into hard limits hard limits are to be in general like things that you never do or they could be specific for the scene like for example you might like anal play generally but for the scene or that particular night you're like no not for the scene it's it's not the right night for me and not in the mood for it stop limit so you might if you were a bottom or a sub you might want to ask the topper are dumb is there going to be pushing your limits and soft limits mean you know as you're approaching a full limit it might be something that's uncomfortable for you or something you're not used to do you want to get a sense of like are you okay with that are you okay with the top or dominant pushing her your limits a bit but they should never push past your heart limits are there any warning signs of bad emotions so this is something a dumb or top can ask to take the lead and discuss any past trauma that might be relevant to the play at hand and any trigger so that the top or dominant has a heads up and they can be on the lookout for that especially if this is a new place that you Wishin they might not know you well enough yet so you okay so limits and involve safe words so and another video by like your safe word should be something that you can say easily and that is very clear that that means. And you need to figure out what they what does safe word means eat each person so you need to negotiate with them and so like if someone's used to saying red for. If you agree to that make sure it's clear some people like red yellow and green yellow means you're approaching the limit but make sure you pin those papers down and use it safe signals in case you're incapacitated to speak if you have a ball gag or some things in your mouth I like to use it like a triple tap action with the hand that indicates that it's time to stop the resistance play so you might want to discuss whether or not nothing's going to resist that's very important to get a heads up on that because some Johnson tops don't like bratty Behavior or resistance when I discuss with her know the word Noah be used because that's very important snow should always be at the here too but that's a negotiation can make with a safe word so you can do a safe word instead of no so I'm going to go over safety basically stuff you need to negotiate for your own safety I like to ask if the top or dominant is going to be drinking or doing drugs or anything you know whether or not that's acceptable for me I think it's very important I generally don't like to have any intoxication level at all really for a scene but like maybe if you people like to loosen up a little bit before Play That's that seems to be acceptable but you have to figure out what the acceptable to you and negotiate that ahead of time you want to talk about sex. Sex Staples are condoms toy maintenance including cleanliness dental dams are something that can be important for oral play and birth control find out if there any health concerns that could affect the scene like if you have neck or back issues or anything like that you should talk about what areas of the body should be avoided and what are allowed to be touched aftercare should be negotiated and you should really think long and hard about what you might need physical touch a blanket water food verbal affirmation these are all things that should be negotiated prior to playing not after ordering play because you don't you don't you're not really in your right mind you're not as much in your right mind during those times and you might be thing that you're not able to articulate at the time so if you want to talk about the length of act after credits very important so this is the basics of negotiating a scene I hope you can take these ideas and when you negotiate your next scene you will be armed with the right information and have a successful be some play 

This is for the truly kinky

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