Bonus #2 - How to Vet a DOM

Early on we never hear him instruct her on safe words and she never uses them. Which leaves us with the impression that he has carte blanche if she simply goes to the red room.
 Emily Anne
Updated: January 8, 2020

How to Vet a DOM

Okay so I'm going to go over the questions you should be asking a potential dominant usually these are ones that you want to ask when you're initially meeting someone who we've ever met before usually these questions go out via text cuz that's how we all communicate before we meet someone so it's important to get these questions right and it'll help you a figure out if this potential dominant is actually a dominant be if he or she or they know what they're doing and see to determine if there are potential match for you as a sub okay went over why they're important I think it's important for you to remember the point of any of these questions is to make sure you're getting what you want as a submissive I think sometimes we get confused and start to get all up in the dominance wishes and like whether or not we're going to fit their mold but it's really important that they be matched to us so that's what these questions are about also you really want to watch out for safety considerations and some of these questions are geared geared towards that has what you want mention a few potentially want to play with this dominant okay so usually the first question that comes up is where they trying to find a sub for there's many different types of Playmates that you can have and sometime is just looking for a one-time hook up or just a plain person sometimes they want to just Dom you via text I know that sounds weird but it does happen so if you're not down for that just be really clear up front some Doms want to are interested in 24/7 play which basically means 24/7 it's a lifestyle Choice meeting you will be submitting to them around the clock and doing the same vanilla things at their command as well as sexual things bedroom only typically just means okay this is just replace it's just for a sexual scenario not always sucks because BDSM doesn't always include sexual contact but bedroom only is just a good way to casual play okay this question what turns you on the most is a good opening question because it's not too combative and more judgmental it's just literally hey are we a match what kind of things I excite us both and if we can find Common Ground here in this a potential match I would recommend going to our website the BDSM and picking up our free questionnaire it's a king questionnaire and it gets into a little bit of the Dom sub relationship as well as other roleplay scenarios you can also send them to the BDSM test. Org if their experience they probably would have taken it and it gives a percentage wise through the things that they're into and what type of dominant they might be very important safety question experience question to ask is you know sometimes you'll feel pressure to start playing right away and I find that can be a red flag because it means they're not really invested in developing a Dom sub relationship they might just be looking for hookup which that's fine if that's what you're looking for but if not this is a good indication of whether or not your match so if you ask hey do you want to meet up for coffee you always want to choose a public place if you say I'd love if they ask you that they wanted me to and you say we're and they say their apartment or house you can take it as red flag and move on or you can simply say you know I do we're asking them where is a good chance for them to show some leadership is not necessarily A deal-breaker or anything but I find it's helpful to let them start to take the lead but I usually would propose a coffee and having a coffee or non alcoholic drink or something casual and short in a public place suggest meeting on public place first and they push back on you it's a major red flag and I would feel free to move on if that is what your gut is telling you next question to ask is what are your expectations and minimum requirement this is really going to set you both up for Success because you really need to get to know what they're looking for and if they have a certain minimum requirements are certain Kinks that they have that they like to incorporate into their BDSM play you need to know those up front because you might not match those and if you're not interested in doing you know those particular things let's say that he or she or they are into flogging and you just have no interest in it you need to know that up front before you play and also not participating in play with that person if you're not a match deal breakers I like to ask about deal-breakers because the dominant will have deal breakers that are very specific and not uncommon but sometimes a dominant will tell me things such as well I know you can never say no or I hate the safe word or something like that and those are major red flags I stay completely away from that that later on the boards but those are those are things that just aren't going to work for a healthy BDSM relationship and then also if there are deal breakers for the dog that just don't match you just you need to know that up front and be okay moving on okay another question I like to ask that kind of gets a sense of what kind of dominant you're dealing with is how do you play like usually ask like what what is your what is typically look like what sort of things do you do when your scenes we're going to get into the lake house and just stick the dominant could be what kind of what kind of BDSM play are they into it's really important okay so these next questions I'll tend towards finding out how much experience the person in front of you has I usually like to ask how many Subs have you played with in the and the how many Subs do you currently have now this is a personal preference but if I'm talking to a dominant and they have I talked to one dominant who has he told me that he had 13 going at one time now that's fine if you do if looking for someone for play rarely like once a quarter and I didn't need very much attention or it just seemed like something I was trying. My work okay but someone has a lot of Subs at the same time probably isn't going to be able to give you the kind of attention and care you might be looking for so that's another area where you want to get clear about what you want out of the relationship wrong with having a lot of Subs I just think it indicates either they're playing around a lot and they're not as serious about each relationship or they just have enough time on their hands and our experience and want to do it that way so how many Subs do you have you played with in the past can give you a sense of how experience they are because a dominant will say oh I'm a Dom and I'm experienced but if you get down to the nitty-gritty and you asked how many subs and they can't really tell you they might not really have the I like to ask what are you looking for in a sub that's back to the expectations thing how sadistic are you so this is something I like to ask because I tend to be more of a masochist and I want to make sure that they can go there if I want them to not all dogs are the same some of the stuff that they might like instead of masochism that's really important next question is do you like brats now if you're a brat is important question if you're not a brat it's you don't have to ask unless you're unless you're afraid that they might like brats and you're not one that comes up sometimes wear some subs are just not brats and their dominance like rats so that might not be a master but that's okay too there's a whole range of play you can do come together on that how do you feel about a sub saying No this is a big one i the dominance some dominoes for sleepy don't like that brats will not like hearing no because it's a way for them you know it just a question their Authority so if but early on when you're talking to someone they shouldn't if they do say I hate hearing the word no that is indication that you you're not going to be able to be bratty if you're a brat and then also I think in the beginning saying that was really important if the potential dominant has a problem with hearing the word no that's kind of a red flag because you want to be able to say no not just use the safe word in the beginning you don't want to be able to say no to things until you've developed a trust okay what do you usually do for aftercare so this this is what I usually ask so Aftercare is really important Aftercare is once a scene is done has done the dominant should be helping the sub to recover emotionally mentally and physically especially if the scene was really intense there's a lot of sadism a lot of impact play humiliation degradation those things require psychological nothing afterwards such as touch care you know cuddling kids soothing formations that you did a good job and things like that if a dominant doesn't know what Aftercare is that could be a red flag but just be aware that sometimes they might do after care they just didn't know it was called that so you can ask further questions and find out what they do after a session and if they do those things that you know that you might need after a session than they do do Africa are they just maybe not didn't know it was called that when I asked what you usually do for aftercare mission of how seriously they do take Aftercare and if they do anything for aftercare that's a major red flag and you want to stay away now you can educated on Aftercare and then incorporate that into play so be open to that but again it's the other thing I do like to follow up on it's actually the more advanced question is to ask or what do you what do you like about after care because if a dominant doesn't like Aftercare I think it's a red flag that they're really just their kind of a little bit selfish in that they just want to play and they're not really invested in developing that Dom sub relationship because after care really is about a relationship for the next time you play okay so here's some questions they get a little bit more specific push boundaries so that's a good question to ask if Adam likes to sort of escalate play and you need to know how early they do that and how much time you need to build up into that and that needs to be a discussion early on have you ever pushed a sub past their hard limits that is a good question because a hard limit means. And you need to if they have you need to find out what contacts that was and if it was long-term play if it wasn't long-term play and they just you know again just didn't like to hear the word no doesn't like safe words all of those things that is stay away from that do you drink or smoke or do drugs when you play so you can ask the server you want I just tend to not I think it's important to keep your wits about you when you do BDSM play especially if there is restraints and impact play pain play so make sure that whoever I'm playing with doesn't get drunk and lose their you no sense of responsibility and you know they really have to pay attention to the subs state of mind and state of being during play so would you say you have a sense of humor okay so that's just a question to ask because sometimes if I find a dominant who doesn't have a sense of humor and can't like relax and adjust it's either difficult or there could be an element of narcissism there so you just want to come and watch out for that have you ever made a mistake and play or in a relationship and this is kind of a follow-up question to the sense of humor in the sense that I mean everyone makes mistakes things happen and if they can't admit to a mistake it's it's the red flag in the sense that take themselves too seriously or their you know unable to admit a mistake is a big red light so those are the main questions you can ask when you first meeting a potential dominant I hope this helps you have some so that you can be have finds the dominant that you really looking forĀ 

This is for the truly kinky

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