No More “Vanilla Shaming”

You Don't Have to Be Kinky To Have Good Sex

When it comes to sexual “flavors,” vanilla seems to be getting a bad rap lately. “Vanilla sex” or “vanilla” is often used to describe people whose sex lives are mainstream, “plain” or boring. While kink and BDSM have been becoming more and more popular and hogging the sexual spotlight, vanilla sex is often left behind. Some people even use the term in a derogatory sense.

I say “no more” to this “vanilla shaming.” Don’t “yuck” someone’s else’s vanilla “yum.”

Here are some reasons why vanilla is awesome, and why you don’t have to be kinky to have good sex.

Bring It All On

Vanilla is actually a larger category of sex than you might think. And within it, you can have a ton of hot sex! Often, vanilla sex includes slower, loving touch, deep kissing, lots of eye contact, and other steamy benefits, like romance. Enjoy these steamy goodies!

As one of my kinky friends puts it, “vanilla” really just refers to someone who prefers more straightforward sexual activity, often without an overlay of extra thought, planning or intention that kinks and fetishes do. That doesn’t mean vanilla sex can’t be just as exploratory as kink. Since vanilla tends to focus on the physical act without the psychological influence of say, dominance and submission or role play, you can take advantage of those physical acts by being fully present and mindful during sex and exploring how your body reacts.

Enjoy the Mac-n-Cheese of Sex

I asked one of my friends to describe vanilla sex and she said, “risk-free sex, comfort sex, the Mac-n-cheese of sex.” Some people might consider mac-n-cheese boring, but there is a reason people love comfort food. I say, embrace the comfort. Pull it over you like a warm blanket. Juicy, loving vanilla sex with someone you trust is as yummy as a gooey baked macaroni casserole. Eat it up!

Missionary is Sooo Underrated

Vanilla sex has long been connected to the “missionary” position. Yet, the standard ‘ol position of missionary can be so satisfying and sexy AF! One of the reasons missionary is so hot is the eye contact. More eye contact can equal more intimacy. Deep intimacy is what can take your sex life from kindergarten level to magna cum laude (pun intended). In addition, missionary can reap huge benefits for female orgasm because of the ability to stimulate the clitoris during sex.

Vanilla Cream

Speaking of orgasms, while BDSM or kink or fetishes sometimes don’t even involve genital contact, vanilla is centered on it, which means a chance to hit the big O. If you are vanilla, try making it a goal to enhance your orgasms. There’s nothing hotter than someone getting off on something, so who cares if it is vanilla? Turn your vanilla turn-ons into a heyday for deeper orgasms!

Get the toys out and learn how to cum harder and faster. Use a vibe during sex or masturbation. I like the powerful Magic Wand. You can also play around with a couple’s vibe, like the We-Vibe Chorus.

Take advantage of the power of deeper orgasms in your sex life.

Just Another Kink

As a BDSM coach, I often help couples find common ground in their individual desires. Many times, one partner is “kinkier” than the other. And the more “vanilla” partner tends to label themselves as “not kinky enough,” as if somehow there is a sexual hierarchy.

I tell them the same thing I am telling you: start considering “vanilla” sex (ie, “regular” intercourse) as a kink, just like your other kinks. It deserves a spot on that kink shelf just like the rest of them. I personally love love love vanilla sex, even though I am kinky AF. It can provide a lovely break between heavy BDSM sessions, sort of like a palate cleanse between dinner courses.

Often people are surprised by this notion. But once you wrap your head around it, you will start to see your vanilla sex as just that: a personal preference or taste. You wouldn’t name-call someone who preferred Detroit-style pizza over Chicago-style, would you? (Ok, maybe that is a bad example given the pizza rivalry). But you get what I am saying.


If your partner is vanilla and you are kinky, you both need to explore your common ground and expand on it. Often I find with my coaching clients that one partner will label themselves “vanilla” when in fact they reveal non-vanilla sexual preferences, like cuckoldry, role play, impact play such as spanking, to name a few.

Take a sexual exploration questionnaire and see what activities seem to turn you on. I highly recommend filling out the questionnaire and then coming together with your partner and comparing lists and discussing each item on the list.

You will not only discover things about your interior erotic life, but you may discover things about your partner, too.

The bottom line is, “vanilla” is simply a flavor. Don’t get stuck on the label, just indulge!

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