Your Covid-19 crush staying too far away to touch due to the outbreak?

You stuck in the house with your hubby for 2 solid weeks?

Well, we got you covered.

There is no reason why you can’t have hot and steamy sex while quarantined. And, in fact, being quarantined can actually boost your sex life, as one couple stuck on a cruise ship explained.

Here are some ideas to help you get your groove on during the Covid-19 crisis.

Mating in captivity.

It is not just the title of famous sexpert Esther Perel’s book. You’ve got all this time at home with your mate – perfect time to get busy!

Keep the home fires burning by indulging in some steamy sex. Treat it like a sexcation, one of my favorite things!

Top ways you can steam up the home-bound sex are extending foreplay longer, including food, trying new things, and increasing intimacy by more touching and time spent together.

When you are self-quarantined, there are less demands put on your time and less distractions, so try to keep it that way by getting off social media (the fear alone is a good reason to limit your scrolling time). Self-quarantine also means you will be spending more time with yourself. Since you aren’t going anywhere, you can simply walk around naked (or at least be in lingerie and pjs)! Get to know your body and your desires more. Take this sexual exploration questionnaire and compare your answers with your partners’. Figure out if there is a new kink you might want to try together.

This is a great chance for you to take your time and also to communicate more with your partner. Turn on some porn and explore ideas. (If you are in Italy, Pornhub just announced free service there to ease corona virus pains.)

Social distancing is a goldmine for sexting and good ol’ fashioned phone sex.

You might be bummed that all your Tinder matches are going to waste. But maybe there is a blessing in disguise…

If you are self-quarantined or your match is self-quarantined (or simply limiting contact), it is a great time to chat them up in a sexy way if they are game for it. You might have a better chance at expressing your sexual interest and having it be well-received if, in fact, your match doesn’t feel the pressure of meeting right away.

Sexting is a great art and a great way to feel sexy in general. It is also a great way to express your sexuality and your flex your imagination.

Here is a great article on how to sext and dirty talk.

How to enhance your home game.

Ok, back to the home front and couples who live together (or have access to each other at home for long periods during this time). Here are some things you can do to amp up the hometown advantage.

Get educated.

Since you can’t go to a sex club, parties, or social events, now is the perfect time to get educated in ways that can enhance your sex life.

Being stuck at home means your education will have to be online.

As all the movie releases are being cancelled, content that is engaging and allows an activity with yourself or your significant other or partner is going to help you get your mind off of everything. Learn a language, brush up on a new skill, or up your guitar game. Or! Get some sex education!

Our course can fit the bill!! BDSM 101 is a course that will help you practice BDSM in a safe and ethical way and also show you how you can enhance your relationship via kink and BDSM.

The course includes over 12 high quality video tutorials and lectures and you can go at your own pace.

Sign up for our email list now and get a discount coupon for 10% off!

Because we believe that during this crisis, getting kinky at home should be a top priority.

Boundaries Crossed: Part 2

How to deal with crossed boundaries or a consent violation as a sub/bottom.

Consent Accidents

Consent violations can also include consent accidents.

A consent accident is when someone pushes past your boundaries mistakenly. However, a mistaken consent violation is still a violation, even if the person didn't mean to do it and their intentions were pure.

Determine Consent Accident

Let's make a distinction here between an intended violation of your consent, and an accidental one. Here are some factors to consider.

What Should You Do?

If you've determined it was an accidental violation and not a purposeful one, what should you do from here?

Communicate the Error. If you want to let your partner know, do it as soon as possible. You don't have to, if you're scared to do so (which is completely valid), but I highly recommend you do. It's part of setting boundaries and protecting yourself.

Forgive the Person. This is optional! You don't have to forgive anyone. It may have been an accident, but you still experienced the consent violation, so it's your right whether or not you forgive them. Take a look at their behavior first before making your decision.

Don't Gaslight Yourself. Remember, consent was still violated even if the intent was not to cross your boundaries. Don't start making excuses and shove down your feelings about it. It was still crossed, and it needs to be dealt with.

Decide if you want to continue the relationship or play, and under what circumstances. If your top/dom is trying to make reparations, you can choose whether or not to accept it.

This is also an opportunity to:

Learn more about your boundaries and how to communicate them.

Educate your partner about where your boundaries are and potentially about consent.

Institute new rules and precautions for the future.

Consent Violations

We've gone over accidental violations, now, let's go over purposeful ones.

You said "no" and your "no" was ignored.

Examples of "no" include, but are not limited to: the word "no", body language and safe signals, and your safe word.

An example of a purposeful consent violation: you told your partner your safe word beforehand, but when you used it during a scene, they just kept going. That is a clear consent violation.

Seek Help

You may need to seek help and reassurance outside of the dynamic. That could include a therapist or BDSM mentor.

Just know it might be difficult for you to articulate the violation, especially if you're in an intimate relationship with the person who violated your consent. People don't want to hurt their partner's feelings.

Give yourself time and space if you need it. Get an awareness of what you're feeling and of the consent violation. Name what that boundary was and communicate it.

Now, if there was sexual assault or rape, you want to consider reporting it immediately if you are able and willing.

How to Handle Violations

A lot of this is circumstantial, so it's up to you how to handle the violation since you're the one who's consent was violated.

If you're in the middle of the violation, assert your boundary or "no" again until they comply. Use your safe word emphatically. Do whatever you need to do to get them to stop.

Experiencing a consent violation will affect your trust for the person. If you want to continue a relationship with them, first look at how explicit your "no" was. If it was very explicit and stated repeatedly, your trust in your partner would naturally erode. It would have to be rebuilt over time.

After the consent violation, consider whether you want to have a discussion with them about it.

You are not required to have that discussion with the person who violated your consent. It could feel unsafe, it could bring up a lot of emotions for you.

Ask yourself if you feel comfortable and safe giving your partner feedback.

If you're not sure, consider the signs that it might not be safe for you to talk about your violation.

When you want to give your feedback to the person who violated your consent, if you're worried about pushback, you can ask for:

Keep in mind, if they don't listen to your request, they might not listen to your feedback either. If they disregard your feedback, reconsider continuing the relationship.

This is how to handle a consent violation from the sub/bottom perspective.

Boundaries Crossed

In this lesson, I'll be going over what needs to happen when there's been a consent violation.

First and foremost, if you're the one who violated consent and your partner has come to you:

Be patient with them, open to what they have to say, and sensitive to their emotions. Act with dignity, respect them and their choices, and be civil and compassionate.

1. Listen

Most often, you'll find out you've violated someone's consent because they tell you. Face to face, over the phone, it doesn't matter; they're telling you what happened.

In this situation, the first thing you need to do—and it might sound simplistic, but it's important to remember—is listen.

Emotions and thoughts will come up, but don't interrupt. Actively listen; don't try to problem solve or defend yourself, it's not the time.

Don't interject, just give them space to vent what they need to say.

2. Pause

After they've said what they need to, don't respond immediately.

Defensiveness in this situation is normal, especially if you're empathic and care about your sub's/bottom's feelings (and you should care). It's hard to hear that someone you care about was hurt through your actions.

Pause, take a moment to feel that defensiveness coming up, breathe through it. Take whatever time you need to calm down.

This'll help you respond in the most responsible way and not out of a fight-or-flight mode.

3. Ask for Permission

After a consent violation, both sides need to be completely clear on what happened and what went wrong. But getting and giving that clarity can be a delicate situation.

Their Side

When you're calm and ready to respond, ask for permission to inquire more about what the consent violation was.

It can be a scary thing for your partner to tell you you've violated consent, and they might not have the capacity to talk more about it right then.

If they say no, don't push. Give them time and space.

Your Side

Once you're clear on what they experienced, ask if they're comfortable hearing what you felt from your side and what you noticed.

But be very careful that "telling your side" doesn't turn into "excusing your actions". Telling them directly or through implication that "they're wrong" is not appropriate.

It doesn't matter what "actually happened" or what the facts are, what really matters is that they feel their consent was violated and are coming to you with it.

4. Take Responsibility

Once you get to this point, take responsibility.

This is especially important as a dom/top, because you were the one in charge of the session/interaction.

You're allowed to feel your feelings, but don't act on any heightened state of anger, defensiveness, fear, or regret. That behavior will not be helpful.

Part of taking responsibility is acknowledging the harm that you might have caused, intentionally or not, and apologize for it.

Don't apologize just to get off the hook or so you can feel better.

Apologize sincerely and take ownership of what you did and the harm that occurred.

And lastly, repair is an important part of your responsibility.

Work with the sub/bottom on how you can repair the relationship, what they need from you to feel safe again, and how you can move forward. Do they even want to continue the relationship?

5. Seek Help

This can happen prior to taking responsibility. If you're not sure what to do after they've come to you, tell them you're taking a pause and you're going to do some reflection.

In that reflection time, go seek some help.

Seek help and reassurance outside of the victim. Don't rely on the victim for how you're going to repair the relationship or what you're going to do for it.

Take some responsibility and find a mentor (a BDSM mentor) or a therapist who's kink friendly.

Get advice and solid action steps for what you can do next to repair the relationship.

6. Do Better/Improve

After you've done all that, learn from the experience and improve. Do better next time.

It can make you a much better dom/top if you've experienced this and gone through these steps. It'll prepare you to not make that same mistake again.

That's how we learn. Everyone makes mistakes.

All you can do is try to repair, learn from the mistake, commit to act differently, and make precautions for the future. Implement those and follow through with consistency.

Impacting Factors of Giving Consent

The overarching goal of consent discussions in the context of BDSM and kink play is not just to “acquire consent,” but to cultivate the conditions under which honesty is possible and safe.

To that end, we must be able to readily identify factors that can alter or impede this safe and honesty-prevoking environment. This module will cover the types of real-world power imbalances that impact informed, voluntary, and freely-given consent.

The reason why I say “real-word” is because some of the following relational power imbalances can be used in terms of effective dom/sub role play if done consensually. (For example, boss/secretary or teacher/student play.)

The circumstances surrounding consent play a huge part in whether consent was freely given. Historically, our culture has taught us many non-consensual behaviors that can take years to unravel in our heads and in our BDSM practice. Consent is not limited to sex or the bedroom. It permeates our relationships and our lives in many ways we might not have considered.

When it comes to BDSM play, we want to leave the “power imbalance” for role play and not allow actual power imbalances between the players themselves to cause non-consensual behavior – whether intended or unintended.

The risk of BDSM is increased when the players do not recognize these power imbalances and how they affect decision making. Thus, our goal for this module is to reduce the risk involved in BDSM play by identifying and communicating around some power factors that may impact free consent.

Here are some categories of power imbalances to watch out for:

Place

Whose territory is consent being acquired in? For example, is play happening at one party’s house? In that case, that party has the “home advantage” in terms of control of environment as well as comfort, etc.

Age

Is there an age differential between the parties? If so, does the younger player defer too heavily to the elder?

Level of BDSM education/experience

Is one partner more experienced than the other? Then that partner has a duty to ensure that the other is informed and not assume that they understand everything that might happen.

The less experienced player is at a disadvantage and also may consent to things they shouldn’t because they might consider the other partner more of a mentor and thus assume what the mentor is asking or doing is “right.”

Physical differences

If one person is taller, larger, weighs more, is physically stronger and more able-bodied than the other, it creates an opportunity for non-consensual conduct.

The smaller/less able-bodied partner is at a disadvantage to physically respond in some situations. Thus, you should ensure that they are able to speak honestly without feeling physically threatened. You should also discuss any and all health issues.

Class (socio-economic)

Does one player feel somehow at a disadvantage to the other due to the other partner’s socio-economic status? Does this alter the less-advantaged partner’s view of the wealthier player in a way that places more trust than is warranted?

Gender/sexual orientation

For example, due to societal norms, male identifying partners may be perceived as having more power over female identifying partners. In addition, orientation and variations on gender identity might cause a perceived societal power imbalance between the partners that must be recognized.

Boss/employee

If one person in the relationship has a superior power position at work, then this could impact the consent of the employee. The employee might feel that there are real consequences to their employment if they do not consent to the boss’ requests.

Coach/client

If one person is a personal advisor to the other, does the client seek approval from the coach such that the client could capitulate to the coach’s requests?

Teacher/student

Similar to coach/client, a teacher wields a tremendous amount of power over a student. If a student and teacher are playing or in a relationship, the student might consent to things they do not want to do in order to “please teacher.” There are real world consequences that could be in the back of the student’s mind that could impact free consent.

Avoidant/Anxious attachment

(Highly suggest googling this concept for more information or reading the book “Attached”). If an avoidant personality is playing with an anxious attachment personality, the threat of abandonment by the avoidant could alter the anxious attached person’s behavior, causing them to consent to things just to avoid their partner “going away.”

Mental illness/imbalance

If one partner has mental health issues, they can be taken advantage of by the other partner, especially if they are easily influenced.

Intellectual differences

If one partner is more cognitively impaired than the other, it can create an imbalance in the “informed” aspect of consent. In addition, one partner may use their intelligence to outsmart the other to manipulate consent.

Religion/cultural values

Does one partner’s religious values or cultural values create an environment where consent could be masked by duty? For example, is there a risk that they will submit too easily or ignore their own needs in favor of someone else’s? If so, this is a recipe for non-consensual conduct, whether intended or not.


Whether the relationship lasts a few hours, a weekend or a lifetime, the circumstances surrounding consent in both play and the dynamic of the relationship must be addressed in any negotiation or discussions around what is allowed to occur.

Each person’s needs, wants, limits and boundaries must be addressed in the context of the relational power imbalances. The goal is to try your best and employ best practices!

Basics of Consent: Fries

With the emergence of the #metoo movement, there has been even more talk about “consent” in our culture and the media.

Typically, the conversation around consent has focused on the lack thereof. For example, sexual assault or harassment.

In the BDSM community, “consent” has a workable definition. It exists, ideally, to reduce the inherent risk in BDSM activities and ensure all parties maintain safe BDSM play.

This module will cover the basic aspects of consent, commonly known by the acronym “FRIES”. Consent must be:

“F” – Freely given

To have true consent, it must be freely given. Anything less is nonconsensual.

There must be no manipulation, coercion, or trickery.

In addition, any power imbalance in the relationship can undermine consent, as consent cannot be “freely given” if the person giving it feels they don’t have the power to say “no.”

I will address examples of power imbalances in another module.

“Freely” means the person giving the consent was free to do so.

Nonconsensual examples:

In all these cases, the bottom/sub is not freely giving their consent.

“R” – Revocable

Consent is always revocable.

If you give consent, you are never bound by it. You can withdraw your previous consent at any time.

Consent is not a binding contract.

No one should use prior consent to manipulate or cajole their partner into doing something they don’t want to do.

Circumstances may change.

A person might consent during negotiation beforehand, but change their mind later in the dynamic or during a scene.

Example 1: Before a scene, a sub gives their consent to be caned, but during the scene, the caning does not feel good.

The sub is not bound by that prior consent.

In this situation, the consent can be revoked with no repercussions.

Example 2: A couple decides they want to enjoy a threesome. But, as the threesome date approaches, one partner starts to feel uncomfortable or jealous.

True consent means that partner has the right to back out of the threesome, even though both partners agreed to it earlier.

Sometimes, what we like in our fantasies we don't like in reality, and that's okay.

Because consent is revocable, a top/dom must always check in periodically throughout a scene. This isn't just asking if the bottom/sub is still doing alright. The top/dom must also read non-verbal cues for emotional states that could affect consent.

“I” – Informed

To truly give consent, you must know exactly what you're consenting to. If information is left out, it's not full consent.

Example 1: Your partner tells you they were tested for STIs and were negative, but later you find out they lied.

Your consent to have sex with them was not fully informed and thus, not consensual.

Example 2: You are playing with a more experienced partner and they use jargon or language you don't understand and you give consent to those activities/boundaries.

Your consent was not fully informed because you didn't understand what they were asking for.

Because the top/dom directs and makes all the decisions on what will occur in a BDSM scene, it's primarily up to them to provide full information to the bottom/sub.

This is why a detailed negotiation process prior to the scene is important.

“E” – Enthusiastic/Explicit

Consent does not just mean someone “agrees” to do something. Consent should be enthusiastic and/or explicit.

Some activities in BDSM might provoke a visceral response, such as a “hell yes!”. This is a type of enthusiastic consent.

But for other activities, you might just be curious and considering trying them out. This is where the term “explicit” comes in.

If you're curious and giving consent to try something, you must be able to articulate explicitly what boundaries you have and under what circumstances.

Again, this goes back to the revocable quality of consent. You might explicitly state you're willing to try, say, bondage, but once your top begins tying you up, you decide it's not for you. You can always take back your consent.

Enthusiastic consent is always the goal. Anything less must be thoroughly and explicitly discussed.

“S” – Specific

Your consent does not extend to things that weren't mentioned in your negotiation or consent conversation.

In addition, your partner cannot assume that just because you consented to one thing, that you consented to another.

For example, you consented to spanking, but that does not mean you consented to all impact play. In addition, it does not mean you consented to spanking outside of the BDSM scene or to all body parts.

Specificity in consent means that you get as much specific information as you can from your partner prior to playing.

In BDSM play, it's important to negotiate all limitations of a scene, including:

During negotiation, a top/dom will often get more information about their bottom/sub's boundaries than needed for a scene. This is so the top/dom will have more activities to choose from.

Try our interactive kink test with your partner to see where you two are compatible and what your top kink interests are.

Now that you understand the basics of FRIES, let's move on to what types of things can affect a person’s ability to give true consent.

Why true subs hate Anastasia Steele

First, don’t be offended by the strong language.  “Hate” means more or less “annoyed” at the idea of Anastasia Steele.

Why does she annoy us?

Because she gives true subs (“submissives”) or “alpha subs” (strong alpha women in life, submissives in the bedroom) a bad name.

Why? Because she can never make up her friggin’ mind.

BDSM play is all about boundaries.  If you don’t know how to, or aren’t willing to set boundaries, it is a recipe for disaster.

There is a scene in the movie where Ana seemingly takes control by negotiating across a long board room table, going over in minute detail her “contract” with Christian, marking out things that are a “no” for her.  He seems genuinely amused by the whole thing.

Coy, flirty banter is fun, but if it gets in the way of setting secure boundaries, it can be a liability. BDSM play should be negotiated at arms length in a matter of fact way and the assertion of boundaries by a sub is not “cute,” sexy, or used as a bargaining chip.  There is no quid pro quo in a healthy relationship, nor in a BDSM relationship.  If a sub doesn’t want to even try anal, the Dom ain’t gonna even go there. If for example, nipple clamps are a hard no, the Dom will not press the issue in play. It is off the table. A dominant can push boundaries, but not cross them.

Now, the problem with new subs is that sometimes you don’t know what you might want or like if you never tried it before. That is where soft boundaries come into play.  This communicates to the Dom that he can push her boundaries in that area of play, but that he might be met with a full hard stop “red”.

So, knowing these parameters, let’s go back to Anastasia and Christian.

Ana spends almost all of the movies (disclaimer – I could not read the books due to my distaste for the writing) in a state of perpetual push and pull between her head and her heart. Ok, this is good for dramatic tension for movies, bad for BDSM.

She puts up with Christian’s bad behavior because she loves him.  She never “chooses” to be a sub because SHE wants to be a sub, rather for him.  But hey, that is how a lot of people get into kink – one of their partners was into it and introduced them to it.  (Also note: Early on we never hear him instruct her on safe words and she never uses them. Which leaves us with the impression that he has carte blanche if she simply goes to the red room.)

Ok fine.

But the power play gets skewed when an experienced Dom uses emotional manipulation in the relationship in order to get what he wants instead of negotiating up front and sticking to the contract.  We never hear him instruct her on safe words and she never uses them. Which leaves us with the impression that he has carte blanche if she simply goes to the red room.

Then, at the end of the first movie (SPOILER ALERT), Ana specifically tells Christian to do the type of impact play he wants to do (apparently in his “sadist” mode), not knowing what that entailed exactly. After he whips her really hard, she denounces him and leaves abruptly.

This scene alone is so problematic and skews the concept of full and free consent in BDSM play.  There was no discussion of what he was going to do ahead of time, nor did he ask her while he was whipping her how she was feeling. 

Which basically makes him the shittiest Dom because he knew full well Ana did not nor would she want to be whipped for her pleasure. (Another spoiler alert: later on in the movies he admits that he really isn’t a dominant but a sadist. Puke.)

Ana doesn’t do herself any favors either, asking for impact play and then essentially punishing Christian for it afterwards as if she didn’t ask for it.

The whole thing is,…well… as Christian puts it, “50 Shades of fucked up.”

Anyone watching would think BDSM people are fucked up, which is part of the reason BDSM players tend to loathe these movies/books. 

Anyway, if we could re-write the movie to make it more accurate, it would go something like this:

Anastasia meets Christian. Christian at some point feels comfortable enough to confide in Ana that he is into BDSM play. He would do so prior to bringing her to his home alone (ie, not just show her his red room of pain without a full explanation).  He would ask her lots of questions about her sex history (THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN UNTIL LATER IN THE FILM WHEN HE INADVERTANTLY DISCOVERS SHE IS A VIRGIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.)  It was sooooo kind of Christian to make sweet love to her first before going hard core.  LOL.  He would educate Ana on impact play, the dynamic he seeks and ask her what kind of dynamic would suit her.  If she says she is interested, he doesn’t draw up a ridiculously long detailed contract with a bunch of “lifestyle” requirements, but he would slowly introduce her to some BDSM play wayyyy before she would move in with him.  He would ask her questions before and after sessions, with lots of aftercare and wouldn’t just dump her in a room by herself and bail.

Ana would have the choice to tell Christian which things she did or didn’t like during each session.  And Christian would ramp up a notch or two, slowly grooming her, making sure she is fully informed and has her full consent. And he would educate her on how to use safe words.

The biggest difference would be that Christian would have spent lots and lots of time asking Ana questions about herself, what she is like, get to know her personality and her sexual history. He would ask her about specific things she may or may not be into or what she is curious about and willing to try. He wouldn’t just jump in and act all mysterious and let her just guess as she goes.

Ana would not be wishy washy about whether or not she wanted to play – she would either play and agree to be topped, or she would opt out and move on.  If Christian did something during play that she felt overstepped her boundaries, she would use the safe word and also address it in conversation outside of the bedroom. Again, not good for a movie, but good for BDSM.

More importantly, neither Ana nor Christian would use the romantic relationship as a means of inducing a particular behavior on the part of the other person.

And they lived happily ever after….the spanking.

The end.

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