Non-Sexual BDSM

BDSM Isn't All About Sex, and This is Why

When I say I am a “BDSM coach,” I am often met with wide-eyed surprise. Of course the titillation is there when people hear “BDSM”, especially thanks to 50 Shades, but I think it is mainly because “BDSM” screams “kinky, unconventional naughty sex” to people.

What a lot of people might not realize is that there are many aspects of BDSM that do not include sexual contact or activities at all. Some activities are also what I would consider “sex adjacent,” meaning there is no sexual genital contact, but there might be some sexual allure or attraction/arousal on the part of one or more players.

This article provides some examples of the glorious non-sexual aspects of BDSM.

D/S Relationships

The rise of the interest in the dominant/submissive dynamic (“dom/sub” or “d/s” as it is known in the kinky community) makes it all the more important to realize that d/s is not a “one size fits all” scenario. There are as many d/s dynamics as there are different people.

One d/s dynamic that is non-sexual in that it does not typically include any sexual contact or sex acts at all, and that is financial domination or “findom.” Financial domination usually involves the forced payment of money by the submissive, in which the sub gets turned on by the act of a findom forcing them to hand over their money as a “pay pig.” The dynamic is usually via communication only – no physical touch whatsoever. The dominant demands payment, usually to humiliate the submissive (if the sub is into that) and usually for very frivolous reasons, such as shopping for outlandish items, not necessary ones.

In addition, a dom/sub dynamic can have many aspects that are not sexual. A dom can give commands to a sub that have nothing to do with sex, such as acts of service or self-improvement. In the context of play, a dom could simply text a submissive things to do such as send an account of their day. Another example of non- sexual BDSM play can be a type of “DDLG.” In some DDLG (daddy dom little girl) dynamics, the participants do not include any sex whatsoever and just enjoy the dynamic of a daddy dom caring for and supporting a “little.” Directives such as “make sure to brush your teeth” or “do your chores” can be common.

Sensual domination can involve simply using sensation play, which we will cover next.

Sensation play

Often in BDSM, it is all about the “feels” both psychological and physical. Sensual play involves the use of, well, sensation or touch to stimulate the body and mind. For example, the person doing the touch (the “top” or “dom”) will use things like feathers, straps, Wartenberg pinwheel, vampire glove, regular touch/massage, breath, or other devices or textures to elicit a pleasurable response from the bottom (person receiving the touch). Electrostim is another device that can be used in sensation play.

Sensation play can include sexual activity or touch but can also not involve any sexual play whatsoever. The enjoyment can come from the feeling of the sensations, whether it be from being tickled or from cold water or ice or dripping wax or even the simplest of caresses…even draping someone’s long hair over your body or rope being run along your skin. Some people might like the sensation play to have an element of surprise by being blindfolded.

Impact play

Similar to sensation play, impact play is when the top/dom uses an implement (such as a hand, crop, flogger, cane, switch, paddle) to “impact” the bottom. Impact play can include psychological aspects such as d/s or it can be part of “discipline” (the “D” in BDSM doubles as both discipline and domination). Some bottoms enjoy being spanked or hit or impacted purely for the pleasant feeling that arises. Some enjoy the psychological aspects of discipline and some enjoy pain.

All of these impact activities can occur outside any sexual context. They can offer “punishment” or “funishment” or a cathartic release. The sub/bottom might even get into subspace (a floating high some people get when submitting in a BDSM scene).

Often if you go to a dungeon, there might be impact play going on with absolutely no sexual element. Someone just might sign up to be flogged for 20 minutes. Fun!

Bondage

Nonsexual bondage play is another form of nonsexual BDSM that some people might overlook. For example, a rope bottom (or rope bunny) might simply like the feeling of being trapped or helpless (in a good way) or like the feeling of rope on their skin. The rope top might enjoy the artistry and skill required to tie up their bottom/bunny. While some bondage can be combined with sexual play, including edge play (bringing a person close to orgasm and then pulling back), it can also be strictly non-sexual. Bondage is an activity that can take some time (in the case of rope) or it can be part of a ritual between a dom and sub to get the sub into subspace.

Consent still applies

It should be noted that all of the above nonsexual BDSM activities still require consent of both parties. Just because something isn’t sexual doesn’t mean it doesn’t have risks or threaten to harm someone or cross their personal boundaries.

All the rules of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” apply to these activities and precautions taken.


In the end, BDSM can really be “play” for adults, so you want to make your BDSM play about being open, having fun, and above all enjoyment and pleasure!

 2020 The Kink Fix, All Rights Reserved
chevron-up-circle